They cal me Sin - A blog entry by Sir Jecht

Those battles are getting harder and harder.. Somehow I thought it would be easier this time.

I finally managed to get where I want but I am exhausted, unable to think straight any longer… But I can't afford to loose my control. Not now. I battled too much to get here.

They call me Sin. But I'm still fighting. Today more than ever. I have to fight my murdering urges. Just a bit longer.

My son Tidus is down there. I gave up too much to loose him now, but I can barely keep myself from killing him and all around him, oblivious to what I destroy. I need Auron to get my son out of there before I can't hold myself any longer.
I fear the worst. Auron, where are you ?

Patience. If I loose my temper all is lost. I will be engulfed in a murderous rage and all the last 10 years would have been in vain. Patience, ha I never had it, now it is even more impossible…

Damn it, Auron where are you ? I can't hold out much longer.

Finally! What took you so long ? Of course I'm sure about it Give me my son. Now !

Relief. Anger. Oblivion. Horror. Guilt, so much guilt The familiar kaleidoscope of emotions after I killed so many starts dancing around my head… But I mostly feel a great sense of relief. I got it. I got Tidus into my life again. He is here in the ruins of Zanarkand, unconscious. And I can at least feel a little bit like myself again..

Where's Auron ? He could be here, guiding my son. That lousy stiff! Sorry Auron, I know I can trust you, I just wish you were down there now.

Yes, I know you took care of him for the past 10 years but would it kill you to hold on a little longer ? Tidus is such a crybaby. He is crying again, see ? A softie like his mom… Does he really excel at blitz ? He seems a little small… Are you sure you made him eat ?

So tired.. I need to sleep. I wasn't able to get my son to his final destination. It will have to wait, I have no energy left to fight… He will be safe in this sunken city. The Zanarkand that I just destroyed, but 1,000 years later… Damn it Auron, did you have to leave so soon ?!?
Darkness and oblivion engulf me and I welcome them. They release me form from my guilt and my worries...

The lone boat in the ocean looks like a toy ship from where I am. Tidus is there, I can sense it. I can sense some other people around him. People that helped him, fed him and are being his friends for the past two days. People that I need to kill now. I will try to leave him some of his friends. But I'm too exhausted from getting into Zanarkand, from the battle to keep Tidus alive, from traveling through time, from wanting to do this for so long and finally doing it.

The enormous relief is the closest thing to happiness I have felt in 10 years. I feel like crying. One day I hope I will be able to tell you Tidus, to tell you that I never cared if you were a cry baby, I loved you just the same. I just worried, you know ? Life is not easy on the people who feel deeply like you and your mom. I had to be tough. I had to be the one who protected you. The one who would make you strong. The one that pushed you to excel at what you did.

There you are, sleeping like a baby in my arms. You were always such a tiny little runt I was always nervous I would let you fall, so I usually gave you back to your mom immediately. But I loved to see you sleeping peacefully, I loved to sing you a lullaby. Do you remember the lullaby I used to sing for you ? I still sing it even though you can't hear me anymore…

I ev yu i
No bo me no
Re n mi ri
Yo ju yo gov
Ha sa te ka na e
Ku ta ma e

I can't stop crying son, but the tears won't come out. I scream with remorse but my screams are lodged in my throat. One day I want to explain to you what happened. I wasn't always a murderer, son. I never wanted to be one. But one day, ten years ago, I fell through the sands of time from your Zanarkand to this pale shadow we have here, one thousand years later. And 10 moths later I woke up a mass murderer. They call me Sin now. It is not who I want to be. It is not - not yet - who I am. But I'm losing this battle. I need you to rescue me from myself, son.

Oh, what's the use! You are sleeping and you can't hear me. But I will keep talking to you. I will keep singing you to sleep. It is my last shred of humanity. My last shred of the Jecht I was. . It is what kept me alive all this years. If you can call this living… There. Go Wake up to write your story as Auron says. And Tidus ? Hate me as much as you want but kill me soon. I can't live like that for much longer.

I did it Auron I left Tidus in Besaid's beach! I will try to leave you and him alone for a while. But you better get him ready fast. I'm losing control Auron. I can't hold out for much longer.

In a few months I will be Sin. They call me Sin now and I will be Sin soon. You have to help me. You have to protect Tidus and Yuna from me. You have to keep them safe from all the other evils that await them. Do you promise me Auron ? On your life ?

Ha! Got you there you old stiff! Just get them ready will you ? Trust me, I have a plan…

Jecht out.

Blog entry done with Picasa Posted by Picasa